FOOD FOR THOUGHT! YOU MIGHT ENJOY THIS ONE

Subject: Grampa Wisdom

Whether a man winds up with a nest egg,
or a goose egg, depends a lot on the kind
of chick he marries.

Trouble in marriage often starts when a
man gets so busy earnin' his salt, that he
forgets his sugar.

Too many couples marry for better, or for
worse, but not for good.

When a man marries a woman, they
become one; but the trouble starts
when they try to decide which one.

If a man has enough horse sense to
treat his wife like a thoroughbred, she
will never turn into an old nag.
On anniversaries, the wise husband
always forgets the past - but never the
present.

A foolish husband says to his wife,
"Honey, you stick to the washin', ironin',
cookin', and scrubbin'. No wife of mine
is gonna work."

The bonds of matrimony are a good
investment, only when the interest is
kept up.

Many girls like to marry a military man - he
can cook, sew, and make beds, and is in
good health, and he's already used to taking
orders.

Eventually you will reach a point when you stop
lying about your age, and start bragging about it.

The older we get, the fewer things seem worth
waiting in line for.

Some people try to turn back their odometers.
Not me, I want people to know "why" I look this
way. I've traveled a long way and some of the
roads weren't paved.

How old would you be if you didn't know how
old you are?

When you are dissatisfied and would like to go
back to your youth, remember about Algebra.

I don't know how I got over the hill without
getting to the top.
One of the many things no one tells you about
aging is that it is such a nice change from
being young.

Ah, being young is beautiful, but being old is
comfortable.

Old age is when former classmates are so
gray and wrinkled and bald, they don't
recognize you.

If you don't learn to laugh at trouble, you won't
have anything to laugh at when you are old.

Cinderella

Cinderella wants to go to the ball, but her wicked stepmother won't let her. As she sits crying in the garden, her fairy godmother appears and promises to provide her with everything she needs to go to the ball, but only on two conditions.

"First, you must wear a diaphragm."

Cinderella agrees. "What's the second condition?"

"You must be home by 2am. Any later, and your diaphragm will turn into a pumpkin."

Cinderella agrees to be home by 2am. The appointed hour comes and goes, and she doesn't show up.

Finally, at 5am Cinderella shows up, looking love-struck and **very** satisfied.

"Where have you been?" Demands the fairygodmother.

"Your diaphragm was supposed to turn into a pumpkin three hours ago!"

"I met a prince, Fairy Godmother. He took care of everything."

"I know of no prince with that kind of power! Tell me his name!"

"I can't remember, exactly...Peter Peter, something or other."

Airline Jokes

All too rarely, airline attendants make an effort to make the in-flight "safety lecture" and announcements a bit more entertaining. Here are some real examples that have been heard or reported:

Part of a flight attendant's arrival announcement: "We'd like to thank you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you'll think of US Airways."

Overheard on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo, Texas, on a particularly windy and bumpy day: During the final approach, the Captain was really having to fight it. After an extremely hard landing, the Flight Attendant said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo. Please remain in your seats with your seat belts fastened while the Captain taxis what's left of our airplane to the gate!"

Heard on Southwest Airlines just after a very hard landing in Salt Lake City: The flight attendant came on the intercom and said, "That was quite a bump, and I know what y'all are thinking. I'm here to tell you it wasn't the airline's fault, it wasn't the pilot's fault, it wasn't the flight attendant's fault, it was the asphalt."

"As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses.

"Your seat cushions can be used for flotation; and, in the event of an emergency water landing, please paddle to shore and take them with our compliments."

Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but we'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you, or your money, more than Southwest Airlines."

"In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with more than one small child, pick your favorite."

From a Southwest Airlines employe e: "Welcome aboard Southwest Flight 245 to Tampa. To operate your seat belt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seat belt; and, if you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised."

As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Ronald Reagan, a lone voice came over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella. WHOA!"

"Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride."

There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane"

On landing, the stewardess said, "Please be sure to take all of your belongings. If you're going to leave anything, please make sure it's something we'd like to have."

Heard on a Southwest Airline flight. "Ladies and gentlemen, if you wish to smoke, the smoking section on this airplane is on the wing and if you can light 'em, you can smoke 'em."

On a Continental Flight with a very "senior" flight attendant crew, the pilot said, "Ladies and gentlemen, we've reached cruising altitude and will be turning down the cabin lights. This is for your comfort and to enhance the appearance of your flight attendants."

RESOURCEFUL NUN

A nun who worked for a local home health care agency was out making her rounds when she ran out of gas. As luck would have it, there was a station just down the street. She walked to the station to borrow a can with enough gas to start the car and drive to the station for a fill up.

But, the attendant regretfully told her that the only can he owned had just been loaned out.If she would care to wait, he was sure it would be back shortly.

Since the nun was on the way to see a patient, she decided not to wait and walked back to her car.

After looking through her car for something to carry to the station to fill with gas, she spotted a bedpan she was taking to the patient.

Always resourceful, she carried it to the station, filled it with gasoline, and carried it back to her car. As she was pouring the gas into the tank of her car, two men walked by.

One of them turned to the other and said, "If that car starts, I'll be a churchgoer the rest of my life!"

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