How was I born?

Cyrus asks: "Daddy, how was I born?
Dad says: Ah, my son, I guess one day you will need to find out anyway!.

Well, you see, your Mom and I first got together in a chat room on MSN. Then I set up a date via e-mail with your Mom and we met at a cyber cafe. We sneaked into a secluded room, where your mother agreed to a download from my hard drive. As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall, and since it was too late to hit the Delete button, nine months later a blessed little Popup appeared and said: "You've Got Male!"

************* Forecast

It was October and the Indians on a remote reservation asked their new Chief if the coming winter was going to be cold or mild.

Since he was a Chief in a modern society he had never been taught the old secrets. When he looked at the sky he couldn't tell what the winter was going to be like. Nevertheless, to be on the safe side he told his tribe that the winter was indeed going to be cold and that the members of the village should collect firewood to be prepared. But being a practical leader, after several days he got an idea. He went to the phone booth, called the National Weather Service and asked, "Is the coming winter going to be cold?"

"It looks like this winter is going to be quite cold" the meteorologist at the weather service responded.

So the Chief went back to his people and told them to collect even more firewood in order to be prepared.

A week later he called the National Weather Service again. "Does it still look like it going to be a very cold winter?"

"Yes," the man at National Weather Service again replied, "it's going to be a very cold winter."

The Chief again went back to his people and ordered them to collect every scrap of firewood they could find.

Two weeks later the Chief called the National Weather Service again. "Are you absolutely sure that the winter is going to be very cold?"

"Absolutely," the man replied. "It's looking more and more like it is going to be one of the coldest winters ever."

"How can you be so sure?" the Chief asked.

The weatherman replied, "The Indians are collecting firewood like crazy."

Dear Dogs and Cats

When I say to move, it means go someplace else, not switch positions with each other so there are still two of you in the way.

The dishes with the paw print are yours and contain your food. The other dishes are mine and contain my food. Please note, placing a paw print in the middle of my plate and food does not make it your food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the slightest.

The stairway is not a racetrack. Beating me to the bottom is not the object. But if it were, tripping me wouldn't help, because I fall faster than you can run.

I cannot buy anything bigger than a king size bed. I am sorry about this. Nonetheless, I decline to sleep on the couch to ensure your comfort. You know, and I know you know, that dogs and cats can comfortably curl up in a ball It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other stretched out to the fullest extent possible. I also know that sticking tails straight out and hanging tongues out the other end to maximize space used is nothing but sarcasm.

My compact discs are not miniature Frisbees.

There is no secret exit from the bathroom. If by some miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary to claw, whine, try to turn the knob, or hook your paw under in an attempt to pull the door open For the last time, I must exit through the same door I entered. In addition, I have been using bathrooms for years; your attendance is not required.

The proper order is kiss me, THEN go smell the other dogs' butt. I cannot stress this enough. It would be such a simple change for you.

To demonstrate my respect and regard for YOUR comfort and convenience, I have posted the following message on our front door:

--- Rules for Non-Pet Owners Who Visit Here ---

1. They live here. You don't.

2. If you don't want their hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture.

3. I quite possibly like my pet a lot better than I like you.

4. To you, it's an animal. To me, he/she is an adopted son/daughter who is short, hairy, walks on all fours and doesn't speak clearly.

5. Dogs and cats are better than kids. They eat less, don't ask for money all the time, are easier to train, usually come when called, never drive your car, don't hang out with drug-using friends, don't smoke or drink, don't require the latest fashions, don't wear your clothes, don't need a college education. And if they get pregnant, you can sell the consequences.

Sniffer Dog

A man gets into his seat on an airline, which is about to take off, when another man with a labrador retriever occupies the two empty seats. beside him. The lab is situated in the middle and the first man is looking quizzically at the dog when the second man explains that they work for the airline.

The airline rep says, "don't mind sniffer. He's a sniffing dog, the best there is. I'll show you once we get airborne when I put him to work".

The plane takes off and levels out when the handler says to the first man, "watch this".

he tells the dog,"sniffer, search". sniffer jumps down, walks along the aisle and sits next to a woman for a few seconds. It then returns to its seat and puts one paw on the handler's arm. he says, "good boy".

The airline rep turns to the first man and says, "that woman is in possession of marijuana, so I'm making a note of this and her seat number for the police who will apprehend her upon arrival".

"Fantastic"! replies the first man.

Once again, he sends sniffer to search the aisles. The lab sniffs about, sits down beside a man for a few seconds, returns to its seat, and places two paws on the handler's arm.

The airline rep says, "That man is carrying cocaine, so again, I'm making a note of this and the seat number.

"I like it", says the first man.

A third time, the rep sends sniffer to search the aisles. Sniffer goes up and down the plane and after a while, sits down next to someone.

He then comes racing back, jumps up onto his seat, and poops all over the place.

The first man is really grossed out by this behavior from a supposedly well-trained sniffing dog and asks, "what's going on?"

The handler replies nervously, "He just found a bomb".

Subject: Railroads

Does the statement, "We've always done it that way" ring any bells? ... read to the end... it was a new one for me.

The US standard railroad gauge (distance between the rails) is 4 feet, 8.5 inches.

That's an exceedingly odd number. Why was that gauge used?

Because that's the way they built them in England, and English expatriates built the US railroads.

Why did the English build them like that?

Because the first rail lines were built by the same people who built the pre railroad tramways, and that's the gauge they used.

Why did "they" use that gauge then?

Because the people who built the tramways used the same jigs and tools that they used for building wagons, which used that wheel spacing.

Okay! Why did the wagons have that particular odd wheel spacing?

Well, if they tried to use any other spacing, the wagon wheels would break on some of the old, long distance roads in England, because that's the spacing of the wheel ruts.

So who built those old rutted roads?

Imperial Rome built the first long distance roads in Europe (and England) for their legions.

The roads have been used ever since.

And the ruts in the roads?

Roman war chariots formed the initial ruts, which everyone else had to match for fear of destroying their wagon wheels. Since the chariots were made for Imperial Rome, they were all alike in the matter of wheel spacing.

The United States standard railroad gauge of 4 feet, 8.5 inches is derived from the original specifications for an Imperial Roman war chariot. And bureaucracies live forever.

So the next time you are handed a specification and wonder what horse's ass came up with it, you may be exactly right, because the Imperial Roman army chariots were made just wide enough to accommodate the back ends of two war horses.

Now the twist to the story......

When you see a Space Shuttle sitting on its launch pad, there are two big booster rockets attached to the sides of the main fuel tank. These are solid rocket boosters, or SRBs. The SRBs are made by Thiokol at their factory at Utah. The engineers who designed the SRBs would have preferred to make them a bit fatter, but the SRBs had to be shipped by train from the factory tothe launch site.

The railroad line from the factory happens to run through a tunnel in the mountains. The SRBs had to fit through that tunnel. The tunnel is slightly wider than the railroad track, and the railroad track, as you now know, is about as wide as two horses' behinds.

So, a major Space Shuttle design feature of what is arguably the world's most advanced transportation system was determined over two thousand years ago by the width of a horse's ass.

..... and you thought being a HORSE'S ASS wasn't important!

Subject: FERRARI GTO

A hip young man goes out and buys the best car available: A brand new Ferrari GTO. It is the most expensive car in the world, and it costs him $500,000.

He takes it out for a spin and stops at a red light. An old man on a moped, looking about 100 years old, pulls up next to him. The old man looks over at the sleek, shiny car and asks, "What kind of car ya' got there, Sonny?"

The young man replies, "A Ferrari GTO. It cost half a million dollars!"

"That's a lot of money," says the old man. "Why does it cost so much?"

"Because this car can do up to 320 miles an hour!" states the young man proudly.

The moped driver asks, "Mind if I take a look inside?"

No problem," replies the owner.

So the old man pokes his head in the window and looks around. Then, sitting back on his moped, the old man says, "That's a pretty nice car, all right... but I'll stick with my moped!"

Just then the light changes, so the guy decides to show the old man just what his car can do. He floors it, and within 30 seconds, the speedometer reads 160 mph! Suddenly, he notices a dot in his rear view mirror. It seems to be getting closer! He slows down to see what it could be, and suddenly... Whoooooosssshhhhh! Something whips by him, going much faster! What on Earth could be going faster than my Ferrari?" the young man asks himself. He floors the accelerator and takes the Ferrari up to 250 mph. Then, up ahead of him, he sees that it's the old man on the moped!

Amazed that the moped could pass his Ferrari, he gives it more gas and passes the moped at 275 mph. Whoooooosssshhhhh! He's feeling pretty good until he looks in his mirror and sees the old man gaining on him again! Astounded by the speed of this old guy, he floors the gas pedal and takes the Ferrari all the way up to 320 mph.

Not ten seconds later, he sees the moped bearing down on him again! The Ferrari is flat out, and there's nothing he can do! Suddenly, the moped plows into the back of his Ferrari, demolishing the rear end.

The young man stops and jumps out and, unbelievably, the old man is still alive. He runs up to the old man and says, "Oh my God! Are you OK? Is there anything I can do for you?"

The old man whispers..."Unhook...my...suspenders...from... your.... side view mirror.

SURE GOD CREATED MAN BEFORE WOMAN,
BUT THEN YOU ALWAYS MAKE A ROUGH DRAFT
BEFORE THE FINAL MASTERPIECE.

*******
WOMEN AND CATS WILL DO AS THEY PLEASE,
AND MEN AND DOGS SHOULD RELAX AND GET USED TO THE IDEA.

*******
ALL YOU HAVE TO KNOW ABOUT MEN AND WOMEN:
WOMEN ARE CRAZY, MEN ARE STUPID
AND THE MAIN REASON WOMEN ARE CRAZY
IS THAT MEN ARE STUPID.

*******
THE OLDER YOU GET,
THE TOUGHER IT IS TO LOSE WEIGHT,
BECAUSE BY THEN YOUR BODY AND YOUR FAT
ARE REALLY GOOD FRIENDS.

*******

ONLY IN AMERICA:

Only in America.....do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.

Only in America......do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries, and a diet coke!!

Only in America......do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.

Only in America......do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.

Only in America......do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.

Only in America......do we use the word 'politics' to describe the process so well: 'Poli' in Latin means 'many' and 'tics' means 'bloodsucking creatures'.

Only in America......do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering.

EVER WONDER ....
Why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin?

Why women can't put on mascara with their mouth closed?

Why don't you ever see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery"?

Why is "abbreviated" such a long word?

Why is it that doctors call what they do "practice"?

Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?

Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?

Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?

Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?

Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?

Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?

You know that indestructible black box that is used on airplanes?

Why don't they make the whole plane out of that stuff?

Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?

Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?

If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?

If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?