A building contractor was being paid by the week for a job that was likely to stretch over several months.

He approached the owner of the property and held up the check he'd been given. "This is two hundred dollars less than we agreed on," he said.

"I know," the owner said, "But last week I overpaid you two hundred dollars, and you never complained."

The contractor said, "Well, I don't mind an occasional mistake. But when it gets to be a habit, I feel I have to call it to your attention."

THE ULTIMATE ACT OF STUPIDITY

When his .38 caliber revolver failed to fire at his intended victim during a holdup in Long Beach, California, would-be robber James Elliot did something that can only inspire wonder - he peered down the barrel and tried the trigger again. This time it worked!

THIS IS ROBBERY?

A man walked into a Louisiana Circle-K, put a $20 bill on the counter and asked for change. When the clerk opened the cash drawer, the man pulled a gun and asked for all the cash in the register, which the clerk promptly provided. The man took the cash from the clerk and fled, leaving the $20 bill on the counter. The total amount of cash he got from the drawer? $15.
(If someone points a gun at you and gives you money, was a crime committed?)

"When I was born, I was so ugly that the doctor slapped my mother." Henry Youngman

After a year in therapy, my psychiatrist said to me: "Maybe life isn't for everyone." Larry Brown

"I'm at the age where my back goes out more than I do."

Subject: Environmentalist and anti hunter

A lady from California, who was a tree hugger and a vociferous anti-hunter, purchased a piece of timberland. There was a large tree on one of the highest points in the tract. She wanted to get a good view of the natural splendor of her land so she started to climb the big tree.

As she neared the top, she encountered a spotted owl that attacked her. In her haste to escape, the lady slid down the tree to the ground and got many splinters in her crotch.

In considerable pain, she hurried to the nearest country doctor. She told him what an environmentalist and anti-hunter she was and how she came to get all the splinters. The doctor listened to her story with great patience and then told her to go into the examining room and he would see if he could help her. She sat and waited for three hours before the doctor reappeared.

The angry lady demanded, "What took you so long?" He smiled and then told her, "Well, I had to get permits from the Environmental Protection Agency,the Forest Service, and the Bureau of Land Management before I could remove old-growth timber from a recreational area and I'm sorry, but they all turned me down.